Samurai Cop (1991)

(All screen captures are the property of Hollywood Royal Pictures, Cinema Epoch, and Guilty Pleasures.)

Samurai Cop

Release Date: November 30, 1991

Written & Directed by Amir Shervan

Starring: Matt Hannon (Matthew Karedas), Mark Frazer, and Robert Z'Dar

IMDb Rating: 4.6/10

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: Audience – 47%, Critic – N/A

Notes: Samurai Cop falls into that category of movies so bad they are good. I first heard of it from Red Letter Media. I also watched OSW Review's video about this movie. Then, I watched it as part of a movie-riffing group on Twitter. (I'll give more information about that after the review.) Amir Shervan wrote and directed Samurai Cop. He also made cinematic masterpieces like Killing American Style. Amir hired the lead actors almost on the spot and told them little about their characters. Neither Shervan nor Hannon knew martial arts. Actor Gerald Okamura did all the fight choreography. He also stars in the movie as—Okamura. (Is he playing himself?) Hannon grew tired of Amir's directing style. Matt admits he blew some of the takes on purpose because Shervan frustrated him. Shervan left them in the movie, and it shows. Hannon was glad when they finished shooting. He even cut his hair because he thought it was over. However, Shervan called him back to do re-shoots. Matt had to wear an obvious wig for these. It makes for some amusing moments in the film.

Those weren't the only problems that plagued the movie. They shot much of the film without sound. Many of the actors didn't want to return to do ADR. Amir did it himself instead. He didn't bother changing his voice. In one scene, three minor characters say the same line in the same tone because they're all voiced by Shervan. Then, Amir had issues with distribution. It didn't get a theatrical release. It went straight to video in Europe. Years later, an American distribution company found the movie in a vault. They released it on DVD and it gained a cult following. This was mostly due to a viral clip of the infamous horny nurse scene. So, is this one of the worst movies of all-time? Or, is it an amusing and enjoyable bad film? Let's take a look.



The movie introduces us to the Katana Gang. They're a mix of American and Japanese drug dealers. Fuj Fujiyama (Cranston Komuro) and his glorious mullet leads the gang. His right-hand goons are Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar), Okamura, and a nameless redheaded henchwoman. IMDb lists the actress as Cameron. There is no last name. She looks like a discount Marg Helgenberger. On the other hand, you may know Z'Dar and his giant chin. He played Maniac Cop in the Maniac Cop series. (He also appeared in a couple of movies on MST3K.)

Shita and Okamura think the Katanas should partner with the Chinese gangs. Fujiyama says, “Nah, they gotta die.” (What a racist.) He sends them to take out the Chinese leader. Shita stabs him and they shoot the bodyguards. For some reason, this makes the Chinese mad! They snitch to the cops about the Katana's cocaine deal. This leads to the introduction of our heroes!



Look at that wig! It's our lead's first scene and already I can't take him seriously. Wig boy's name is Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon). His partner is Frank Washington (Mark Frazer). They head to the marina to bust the Katanas. Joe & Frank use their eyes in the sky, Peggy (Melissa Moore). She follows a boat from her helicopter and it leads to a blue van full of Katana thugs. A chase ensues. Frank shoots a few of the goons while Joe yells, “Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!” The Katanas shove their fallen brethren into the road. Joe has no choice but to run over them. They finally wing the driver and he crashes into an embankment. It's enough to make the van explode. The driver leaps out of the van and runs around yelling, “I'm on fire!” Joe & Frank put him out with a blanket and a fire extinguisher. They consider this a job well done (pun intended). Peggy congratulates them and invites Joe to celebrate. He accepts the invitation—from the ground. How can she hear him in the helicopter!? He didn't use a radio. She hears him because the next scene is Joe and Peggy having sex. Joe looks bored out of his mind.

Mullet boss wants answers. Yamashita becomes Mr. Exposition because he knows Joe's backstory. They call Joe Samurai Cop because he is fluent in Japanese. He trained in martial arts with Japanese masters. The San Diego police sent him to deal with the Katana Gang. Fuji thinks the burned driver will talk to Joe and the cops, so he must die! He orders Shita to cut off his head and place it on his piano. (Why ruin a good piano?)



Captain Roma (Dale Cummings) sends Joe & Frank to the hospital to check on the burned driver. This leads to the horny nurse scene. They can't question the driver, so Joe awkwardly flirts with the nurse. She flat out asks him if he wants to have sex with her. Joe says, “Bingo!” Then, the nurse turns heel on poor Joe. She must have x-ray vision. She looks through his pants and tells him he's—lacking. She even accuses his doctor of botching his circumcision. The nurse wants bigger, so Frank seems interested. Also, Frank spent the entire scene mugging for the camera.



Joe & Frank then leave a cop named Steve to watch the driver. He fails miserably. NOT Marg Helgenberger sneaks Shita into the room in a laundry basket. (How did that hulking man hide in that!?)



Shita cuts off the driver's head and puts it in a garbage bag. He then hops back in his basket and they leave. Poor Steve finds the body and alerts the guards. Some nameless detectives chase Shita. They all have the same voice (see my earlier note). Shita shoots them all and they escape with the head.



The fiasco at the hospital angered Captain Roma. He blames Frank for suggesting Joe in the first place. Joe brought nothing but death and bloodshed. The captain says something about a detective losing a hand. (I don't remember that!) Frank manages to convince the captain not to fire Joe. He promises results. Roma tells them to get out of his office. Frank obliges, but he kisses the captain on the head first. Roma yells at them and points—for a long time. (Amir forgot to say cut. You can even see Dale Cummings laughing before the scene ends.) Meanwhile, Joe & Frank receive a tip that Fuji is at a restaurant named The Blue Lagoon.



At the Blue Lagoon, Fujiyama has dinner with the Katanas. The restaurant owner's daughter Jennifer (Janis Farley) joins them. Fuji gives her some jewelry. However, Joe & Frank interrupt. Joe gives an impassioned speech about how Fuji gives Japanese businessmen a bad name. He also threatens to send them back to Japan in fertilizer bags. This angers Fuji's lawyer, Tony. He speaks of legal actions, so Joe & Frank leave. But, they stop to talk to a waiter first. He's a walking gay stereotype. If he was any more over the top, Sylvester Stallone would try to arm wrestle him. Joe asks about Jennifer. The waiter explains her mother owns the restaurant. Her father committed suicide. This seems to greatly amuse the waiter. Joe tells him to give Jennifer a message. He wants to talk to her. The waiter agrees because he LOVES cops. If this scene wasn't offensive enough, they make some semi-racist jokes about the waiter's long Hispanic name.

Outside the Blue Lagoon, Shita sends goons to attack Joe & Frank. One pulls out a katana. Frank pulls an Indiana Jones and shoots him. This causes another goon to whine, “Leave him alone!” Joe uses the sword to cut off Mr. Whiny's arm!



Shita realizes this is embarrassing and decides to shoot his own men. Joe & Frank duck behind a car, so Shita throws a grenade. It somehow explodes twice and destroys Frank's car. Shita escapes during the commotion. Frank says Captain Roma will burn his ass. Joe says he'll burn it black. Frank has a grand revelation and says, “It IS black!” (Did he just now realize this?) We see the captain, but he's busy kicking Tony the lawyer out of his office. He doesn't want to hear Fujiyama's complaints. He tells Tony to get a job. (That made me laugh.)



Joe visits Jennifer, but Fuji's goons spot him entering the building. Joe tries convincing her Fuji is bad news. But, she says Fujiyama bailed out her family after her dad died. Joe tells her his money is dirty drug money. She doesn't care. Then, Joe tries in vain to ask her on a date. She makes multiple excuses to say no. She's working. She's going to church. She has to wash her hair. (Okay, I added that last one.) Joe leaves, but goons jump him in the lobby. He beats them and chases one down the street. A dog follows the action in the background. He catches the goon because the guy gets a leg cramp. Joe twists his arm until the goon gives up Okamura's name. (I have to mention something from the Joe/Jennifer scene. That lion head on the wall distracted me. What is that!? Is it made of yarn? Did Amir's daughter make it in arts & crafts?)

Joe & Frank go to Okamura's house. Peggy is there for backup. She's more interested in getting laid by a cop named Preacher. He tells her to get lost. He's a married man! They find Okamura having sex. Joe tries interrupting, but the pesky sliding glass door almost foils him!! (I can't believe they left that in the movie. But, I'm glad they did!) They chase Okamura through the house. He sees the front door—and dives through the window instead. (Is this scene for real!?) Joe and Okamura fight. The wig comes off at one point!



Okamura pulls out small knives, but Joe makes him drop them. He then places Okamura in a Camel Clutch and makes him humble! He also breaks Okamura's arm and hands him to Frank. However, Okamura grabs Frank's gun, so Joe shoots him.

Shita and Fuji argue about what to do next. They can't buy off Captain Roma or kill him. They decide to hire some goons from New York to break Joe's legs. The New York crew arrive in record time. They find Joe talking to some photographer. The receptionist warns Joe with an alarm. Joe shoots all of them and escapes over the side of the building.

Enough of that action! It's time for a random sex scene between Shita and NOT Marg Helgenberger. Why? Why not? He engulfs her face in his massive jaw while kissing. But, the Katanas call him and tell him Joe escaped. He decides to find out where Joe lives. Meanwhile, Joe meets Jennifer outside her church. He invites her to his house where he already has lunch ready. She asks how he knew she'd come. He claims he can read her eyes. Then, they're on the beach in tiny swimsuits. Next, they're in the pool! Jennifer is hungry again! (Didn't they just eat?) Lucky for her, Joe has a cake for her! (This scene is all over the place!)

While that happens, Shita and his men go on a rampage. They kill Preacher and his wife because they don't know where Joe lives. Then, they head to Frank's house. (Why didn't they go there first?) Goons threaten to cut off Frank's junk. He distracts one by sending him to search the closet for Joe's address. Frank then grabs some scissors and stabs the other guy. This allows Frank to grab his gun and shoot the second goon. Shita is busy visiting Peggy. She's in the kitchen cooking, so Shita threatens her with the hot grease. He pours it on her until she gives up Joe's address. Frank tries calling Joe to warn him, but Joe's too busy having sex with Jennifer. (I'm surprised she isn't hungry again.) Joe finally answers the phone, but it's too late. Shita is at his house! Joe & Jennifer manage to give him the runaround and escape in Joe's car. However, Jennifer does the dumbest thing possible. She goes back to the restaurant. Fujiyama is there!

Captain Roma is pissed again! This time, he loses it. He tells Joe & Frank to kill them all! They'll turn in their badges when it's over. Joe likes the idea. They head to Fuji's compound for the final confrontation. Joe climbs over the fence. Frank crawls under it. Joe asks why. Frank says, “I'm an undercover cop!” (HA HA HA!) The goons attack one at a time. Frank shoots one and he dies dramatically! (I almost expected Paul Reubens' death from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)



Another hefty thug tries hiding behind tiny trees. (I'm starting to think this movie is satire.) He too has a dramatic death. Joe & Frank reach the living room. Fuji is there holding Jennifer hostage. He convinces Joe & Frank to lower their guns. They do it, so Fuji calls them stupid and shoots Frank. Jennifer distracts Fuji while Frank rises from the floor. He wore a bullet-proof vest! Frank shoots Fujiyama dead. Jennifer wants to go home, but Joe has unfinished business. Yamashita still lives!



They head to Shita's hideout. Frank shoots a sword-wielding goon. Another henchman busts down a fake door. (You can see the real one behind it.) Then, Shita arrives in a Suzuki Samurai. (I see what you did there, movie.) He sends NOT Marg Helgenberger into the fray, but Joe kills her. It's down to Joe and Shita, but Shita wants to fight like a samurai! They both get swords and begin their battle. It's comically slow. Both men drop their swords and fist-fight. Joe's fabulous wig almost falls off in the process.



Then, Joe strikes at Shita's arm before they pick up the swords again. Shita makes Three Stooges-like sounds when he's hurt. (I bet that's Amir's ADR.) Joe gets the advantage and snaps Shita's neck! He can still move despite this. Joe tells Shita he lost face, so Shita begs him to end it. It's the code of the Bushido! Joe raises his sword to end Shita's life. But, Frank tells him he can't. He's a cop! (Wait, didn't they agree to kill everyone? Besides, they've killed plenty of people.) Joe relents and lowers his sword. However, Shita grabs his own blade and performs Seppuku. Frank tries stopping him, but Joe tells him it's the way of the samurai.

The movie ends with Joe and Jennifer on the beach. They're wearing their tiny swimsuits again. (They'll be back in the pool in a moment. I'm sure.)

Positives:

The film never took itself too seriously. It had enough self-awareness to be fun. They knew it wasn't a great movie. It played to that strength. At times, it felt purposeful. That's why I almost thought it was satire. It is by no means good, but it's entertaining. It's not a waste of an hour and a half.

Negatives:

Some of the jokes didn't age well. It's filled with bad stereotypes. Also, Amir doesn't know how to write women. Every female in the movie was sex-crazed. The only woman in the film that didn't have a sex scene was Preacher's wife. The main henchwoman didn't even have a name!

MVP of the Movie:

I'm giving it to Frank (Mark Frazer). He was a delight. He poured on the charm in every scene. Yeah, it was over the top. But, it fit the movie.

Thank you for reading. I decided I will do this blog every other week. It is a side blog to my pro-wrestling PPV review site. If you're a fan, check out Classic Wrestling Review (see the link below).

Also, I take part in a movie-riffing group on Twitter every Saturday. Someone posts a link to a movie and we make jokes MST3K-style. You use the hashtags #SatMat or #Riffotronic to join the conversation. #SatMat takes place at 4:30 PM (3:30 Central). #Riffotronic is at 8 PM (7 Central). Check the hashtags 30-minutes before start time to see the link. We'd love to have more participants.

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